meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
