if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
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you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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