I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
