dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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