The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
