That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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