I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
