every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
