Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just tell him i said nine months
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
