your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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