just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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