mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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