Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
