I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
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The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.