There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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