I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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