can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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