my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
