I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
