sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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