I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
