i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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