Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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