hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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