I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
