dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
