Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
