Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
