It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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