I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my poor anus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
