Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
