My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I deserve this hangover.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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