i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
