Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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