But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
