I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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