i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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