if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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