Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
