my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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