he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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