Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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