i jhust puked up my retainher.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
