I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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