Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
