You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
