I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
jump out the window naked night went bad
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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