I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
