I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
