Having a random hookup so left but love u
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
