Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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