my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
