I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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