Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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